“He that speaks of himself seeks his own glory …” – John 7:18
“Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt that you may know how you ought to answer every man.” – Colossians 4:6
My life’s calling has involved a lot of talking to people. I’m thankful however that God has placed in my heart a love for others, and to hear their stories, with the desire to reach people for the Lord. I remember perusing the shelf in my public library one day, looking for a book that would challenge me. I picked up Larry King’s book, “How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere.” I read it, and devoured it. I felt like the Lord was speaking to me through the writing to give me a new perspective on conversations. In simplicity, this book is autobiographical sketch of Larry King’s life and career as the quintessential “interviewer” of his show, Larry King Live. In it, he wrote about his fascination with the lives and stories of other people.
While reading, I began to realize that in my conversations, I was actually spending a lot of time doing most of the talking – either I was talking about me (my favorite subject), or I was giving advice and offering my perspectives, or trying to instruct others with biblical truth. I reasoned that I had to do most of the talking because after all, I was a pastor, and I thought that everyone needed to and would want to hear from me on most matters. I wasn’t always keen when people were trying to give me the signal that they were getting bored or uncomfortable with all the talking I was doing! I started to try to practice listening more. It was difficult. I wanted to respond to most things people were saying, either with advice, or for me to tell a story about me, and my experiences, after they were telling their story. Later, I read the book, “How to Talk To Anyone,” by, Leil Lowndes, which further underscored my need to grow in my ability to converse and communicate. I realized then and still do now – Things needed changing, and I’ve worked on it my whole life. Ask my wife! But I can honestly say that I’ve increased in my enjoyment of listening to others, interacting in conversation, and trying to ask the right questions of others about life, about themselves, and about God!
Here’s a few things I’ve learned:
- Conversation starters, Small Talk, and Humor: It may seem superfluous, but I’ve found conversation starters and small talk have the ability to help me ease into a conversation, and light hearted humor and laughter can quickly make talking a fun exchange from the beginning.
- People love talking about themselves: And I realized that people get bored fast, when listening to my stories about myself. They want a chance to talk. They want me to hear their stories. They love talking about their family, their spouses, their children, their jobs, their interests, and as Christians, they many times love talking about Jesus. Sometimes there will be conversations where they will talk about themselves to the point of “ad nauseum!” What to do? Keep trying to move the conversation along in another direction.
- Listening: I found that “active listening was a key to good conversations. I know people who do this so well. No doubt they are successful and have meaningful relationships with others. I learned that active listening, and expressing a genuine interest in others, got me really interested in their stories. Active listening is basically showing interest in others, and valuing them, by making eye contact, and giving them signals with my body language that I’m interested in what them. It means listening carefully and long, and not just formulating an answer in my mind, while impatiently waiting for a chance to respond in some way.
- Asking: Perhaps more than anything else, the art of “asking questions” has become my most important tool to having a great interaction with others. It’s what professional consultants do, and takes a lot of training. A simple approachthat consulting professionals employ is the “FORD” technique in asking questions: 1. Family, 2. Occupation, 3. Recreation, 4. Dreams – I’ve learned that if I use this template, I can draw someone out so they’re able to understand themselves and discover their dreams. This is especially true about “Dreams,” – which are goals, and the “vision” that drives them. (When starting to do this … I realized that I had a hard time articulating “vision” in my own life, but I had knew that I had great aspirations, hopes, and dreams, and I just needed someone to help me, and mentor me.)
- Being Positive, Amicable, and Encouraging: Simply stated, there’s no other way to have a conversation. I’ve wanted to walk away from conversations feeling like I forged a stronger link, and feeling a greater friendship and affection for others. For me, this has been the best way to engage someone else when talking about Christ. I’ve spoken with people of other religions, and I’ve spoken with people with no religion. I’ve had talks where others are trying to convince me of their beliefs, but all the while I was hoping that some simple words that I shared about Christ and His love and desires for others would leave an impact on them, and cause them to search for God, and there have been many times where the conversation about Christ goes on and on, because of the spiritual hunger that God is giving to that person.
- Affirmation: One of my strongest desire in relationships is to be an encourager and to understand others. I love building other people up. Giving an abundance of sincere affirmation, void of flattery, is magnetic, and people generally don’t get enough of it. And here’s a warning – We give it least to those closest to us. Keep on pouring out like this. People will walk away encouraged and built up. Everyone needs encouragement.
- Objectives: I need to ask myself – What’s the goal of my conversation? I am there to offer input? How can I bring Christ and perspectives from God’s Word into the conversation, which will kindle faith and expectation from God? Can I provide any advice or networking, to connect people with others. (Many times, I recommend books that have helped me.) Can I pray for that person?
- Keep Growing: One of the axioms of leadership I’ve learned is “Grow Every Day.” – Growing in the skill of communication and talking to others is on my list. Put it on yours. Keep learning, reading, and seeking ways to make connection with others, and make it your high objective to encourage others in Chris and to build others up.
